EXPERT ADVICE >FAMILY FINANCE

By Ma. Salve Duplito

The Cost of Big Dreams

Can you remember your big childhood dream? You know, THE dream. The one that made you doodle on all your notebooks or the big idea that caused you to stare into space risking your mother’s wrath at the dinner table.

I tried to remember mine and came up a blank. I know I had a happy childhood! Well, not perfectly happy of course, but no dreams? That can’t be right.

The center of a one-parent, 6-sibling household, my mom worked incredibly hard to make our dreams come true. I would like to believe every parent does that. That’s what makes parenting so much of a selfless pilgrimage. You mothers and fathers dedicate your lives to embolden the dreams of children that one day will fly the coop and will never again be the same little child you nurtured. You dedicate your whole life to a human being just to let go in the end, so that they can live the dream you worked hard on.

Or at least, that’s the intention. But what if you are barely scraping by and here comes your daughter, with a wistful glint in her eye declaring that she wants to be a ballet dancer. The pink tutu is cute as you picture her in your mind. But you know the math that would lead to her big dream: expensive training and equally expensive cultural exposure.

So, we end up doing the insidious financial calculations that choke dreams and kill color in a child’s world. They are all around you– countless would-be dreams that are doused cold by cruel reality. Dreams of becoming a doctor, a chef, a pilot. Heck, when you hear your son say, “Mom, can we go to Africa on a safari so I can see those cool elephants and big, big cats?” don’t you think immediately about how much it would cost?

But a child feels more than thinks. A child dreams, instead of counts. These are intertwined with their childhood DNA. I so envy them because we parents have to deal with the realities of money, paychecks and the high cost of medicine. Perhaps that is why as adults we squelch our inner cravings—to start over in our career, to pursue a hobby, to build a company that will help others and drain the retirement money. After all, amid our daily financial struggles, where do dreams fit in?

I probably lost mine as I worried alongside my mom. She was not the type who stifled aspirations, but I was the type who worried about the cost of school projects, daily transportation and making it to college. I probably shed my childhood and my dreams too early to make them grow.

I hope I don’t make the same mistake in my own family. I hope I can make my children believe no dream is too costly. Perhaps I can begin with the inner child in me so that I will once again believe none of my dreams are unreachable even at my age.

As a personal finance advocate, I say the math will work itself out with proper financial planning, self-awareness when spending money and belief that the universe will respond to our desires. Faith. After all, can be the ultimate God-given currency in building dreams.

Ma. Salve Duplito is a freelance financial journalist who has been writing about personal finance for more than 10 years. She is also co-editor of the best-selling books Pwede Na: The Pinoy Guide to Personal Finance and Pwede Na2: The Pinoy Guide to Estate and Retirement Planning. More importantly, she is a mother of four, has been married for more than 10 years, and has been through a lot of the struggles in family finance. Email her at lightdream@gmail.com.

EXPERT ADVICE>FAMILY FINANCE

By Ma. Salve Duplito

“Nanay, what does Papa do at work?” my eight-year-old son asks.  Hmm. I reach inside for words. How do I explain an information security guy’s job to a little person who thinks computers are upscale televisions-on-demand, where Ben Ten magically appears outside of Cartoon Network programming schedules, a grown-up’s toy?

“He’s like a security guard for computers,” I reply, with a chuckle in my throat that threatens to turn into the kind of laughter that leaves you gasping for breath.

Despite the laughter, I’m aware there’s pride in my voice. My guy (the big one who sometimes plays like the eight-year-old one) is a geek, true. But the bank depends on him to keep its information assets secure. I could sense there’s silent pride in him, too, though he acts like it’s no biggie.

Lately, the financial crisis hovers over our conversations like a thundercloud. One night, two friends are suddenly handed the pink slip. Then hundreds more at Accenture Manila. The next day Intel announces a total shutdown of its Philippine plants. Labor Secretary Marianito Roque says 60,000 people will likely lose their jobs this year and that people are getting axed every day.

The figures are staggering; the money worries even more so. These could be parents and each one represents a family with needs, dreams, children who have visions of sugarplums in their heads. The dynamics of parenting can shift so quickly and so treacherously when parents (or at least one of them) lose their jobs.

By now, the lessons of personal finance should be familiar for these situations. Spend less; save more. Tune down that lifestyle as well as the silent screams of want in our heads. Guard that emergency fund worth three to six months of expenses like a hawk guards his chicks. Keep the children in the loop without transferring your fears to them. When the going gets tough, marriages need to stay tougher. The paycheck is not as important as the spouse.

Even if you don’t think you will be asked to go on “early retirement,” the mantra is the same. Spend less; save more. Be more aggressive in fattening that emergency fund. Naked wants have no place in a crazy economy. If the neighbor has a new car, keep driving your old car until it drops. This is the time to stay even closer to the spouse. You get the idea.

But what of the spilled pools of pride? Getting axed is not something you boast of to a child. In our world, a person’s worth is often measured in peso terms, sign-on bonuses, and spiffy car plans. What we often don’t realize is that how we define ourselves can speak volumes to a child just learning how grown-ups think. It can imprint lifetime notions in his sponge-like mind about what a parent is worth—and about his own worth someday.

The thing with parenting is that nobody has the time for fatherhood strategic planning sessions, nor do we spend time to make motherhood PowerPoint presentations or SWOT analyses. Mostly, we merely try to get by everyday because there are “more pressing” things to look into. It’s not that it’s less important. It’s just that 24 hours in a day seems too short for all the other things we need to send to the boss.

Yet preconceived notions about money, life, and work are cooked in this little pot called home, and before we know it our casual remarks and attitudes have already created a blueprint in someone’s head. It’s difficult to quantify how much of our own biases, worries, and unresolved fears are rubbed on our children—and when they are, it would take more than years of seeing a shrink to unravel.

The high finance of parenting requires so much more than how much a paycheck weighs, and whether Dad can afford a vacation, a new bike, or that trendy toy. Perhaps if we don’t value these things so much, our children won’t too. Perhaps all of us will learn to laugh in the face of plant closures, layoffs, and many more series of unfortunate events. Perhaps we will learn that the value of attending PTA meetings can be more than having the money for a lavish birthday party.

I quietly resolve to define myself and my husband with yardsticks that really matter. Like how he remembers to rub my shoulders when he knows it’s one of those days when I feel depleted of energy. Like how he remembers to listen first to the children before judging. Like how he can bring rolling laughter to the dinner table.

Those are things no paycheck can buy.

[PULL QUOTE]

“The high finance of parenting requires so much more than how much a paycheck weighs, and whether Dad can afford a vacation, a new bike, or that trendy toy.”

[PROFILE]

Ma. Salve Duplito is a financial journalist writing about personal finance for more than 10 years. She is editor of INQUIRER.net and writes a blog called MoneySmarts (blogs.inquirer.net/moneysmarts), one of the most-read blog in the INQUIRER.net network. She is also co-editor of the best-selling books Pwede Na: The Pinoy Guide to Personal Finance and Pwede Na2: The Pinoy Guide to Estate and Retirement Planning. More importantly, she is a mother of three, has been married for more than 10 years, and has been through a lot of the struggles in family finance. E-mail her at lightdream@gmail.com.

By Ma. Salve Duplito

Should You Tell Your Child You’re Broke?

Money problems have a way of keeping us parents awake at night, bathing dinner conversations with tension even when we try to be cheerful, or worse, turning us into super serious mommies and daddies who have momentarily forgotten how to simply have fun.

Sure, 2008’s holidays were probably still warm and fuzzy with the financial crisis feeling like a distant relative in the United States losing his job. But I bet that with the festivities over, the overspending is causing big reality bites.

Unless you live under a rock, you know that 2009 will be tough. The economic nausea that has rocked Wall Street has turned into a major, global vertigo. Everybody’s getting dizzy. It would be foolish to think that Filipinos can escape the ramifications of Wall Street’s excesses. At one level or another, we’ll all have to deal with yet another economic downturn.

Should we shield our children from all these worries? Or are we allowed to dump on them our troubles? In my view, there’s a fine line that separates being open and frank, and treating them as our therapists. Stay balanced. Children know a lot more than we think they know. They can understand and they can make adjustments, and most likely amaze us with their deep insights along the way.

Adult worries can get blown up into giant, unknown monsters in the mind of a child. I remember taking out a couple of pre-teenagers I know at church one day for an early, fast food dinner. One girl had been having a really tough time because her father had disappeared, leaving her unemployed mother to take care of four children, all under 18 years of age.

They had been living in relative affluence all their lives, and I’ve watched from the sidelines as the family tried to cope with the fears, the insecurities, the loneliness and the uncertainty of not knowing where to find money for the next meal. I know how it felt; I’ve been there when I was young and my father left my mom and five young girls.

“Where would you like to eat?” I asked the group of five kids with a light voice. “Pancake House sounds good to me,” I said.

“Tita, why not try KFC? It’s not too expensive and then we can eat more,” she says in a little, shy voice. I had a little lump in my throat at that.

I let them decide so they felt empowered, and we ended up eating in KFC, so they could eat to their heart’s content.

There wasn’t a lot of open talk in this little family. Burdened by her own personal monsters, the mother could barely keep her head above the din created by her inner demons. Her mood fluctuates wildly from hope to suicide. Her children, who are still grappling with the change in lifestyle and complain when they can’t buy materials for their projects, for example, could hear her sometimes threatening to leave them.

My heart often went out to the mother when I visit and talk to her. Her situation taught me several things: it’s that children need to know with clarity what is happening, and yet they need to know there is hope that everything will turn out all right. It’s that we need to be frank and honest, using words that they can understand (no hedge funds and credit default swaps, please) but never talk down to them. Children can often think of solutions that are more creative than adults, unfettered as they are by traditions and rules that make us parents think in a box.

A child’s mind is amazing. They don’t need to be shielded from a financial crisis. They need to be included in the family team. Only then can we expect them to play their best to reach the goal—the financial goals that we seek for them.

There’s a fine line that separates being open and frank, and treating them as our therapists. Stay balanced.

Ma. Salve Duplito is a financial journalist writing about personal finance for more than 10 years. She is editor of INQUIRER.net and writes a blog called MoneySmarts (blogs.inquirer.net/moneysmarts), one of the most-read blog in the INQUIRER.net network. She is also co-editor of the best-selling books Pwede Na: The Pinoy Guide to Personal Finance and Pwede Na2: The Pinoy Guide to Estate and Retirement Planning. More importantly, she is a mother of three, has been married for more than 10 years, and has been through a lot of the struggles in family finance. E-mail her at lightdream@gmail.com.

By Salve Duplito

Deep in the fridge, there are three pints of ice cream in flavors that my three children love. But the secret weapon really is the cute little container of candy sprinklers that I know will earn plenty of hugs for me – the one sugary treat I bought for them during my latest grocery sortie!

As we ended dinner, my dulcet tones announced the surprise as I walked to the corner of the kitchen. “Who would like to have his favorite ice cream dessert?”

The chorus of “Yipee!” was heard all the way to the neighbors’ houses. The kids had crazy fun arranging delectable bowls of ice cream with candy, slices of banana and mangoes, fudge, and crushed nuts.

While the kids were giving me their warm and sticky hugs, I noticed my husband looking on and gasped. I made him his favorite vanilla ice cream with sliced mangoes on top, true, but what right did I have to tell the kids “Nanay” had planned and schemed to get this treat for them?

See, my husband brings home the much bigger bacon, and slaves at the office to provide clothing, shelter, and yes, grocery money. He made the painful switch from freelancer to a regular job so that I could stay at home with the kids and not be saddled with writing projects that I don’t like. As a result, I can write to my heart’s content right in my own home. But while the treats technically come from him, it just occurred to me that he hardly gets the brownie points for them.

I realize that in a manner of speaking, the hand that does the grocery more or less rules the world at home. No matter where the money comes from, it’s the parent who plans the grocery, who actually chooses and goes through the whole exercise that gets to claim he or she went the extra mile to find just the right treat for the kids. The parent who’s stuck with the “unseen” chores like paying the mortgage, utilities, and credit card bills hardly becomes the hero. No fair.

My husband hardly complains. In fact, I’m not even sure if he noticed. But something has got to give. I also realize that I’m probably lucky. In some households, this could lead to tension and misgivings and even more serious problems like financial dishonesty.

“Nak, your Papa bought you this cereal with such a cool toy. Do you like it?” I ask. “Go and give him a hug.” Give credit where credit is due. While it can be tempting to hog the limelight, a little transparency can go a long way.

A young family shows how to be peso-wise
By Heinz Bulos

Raising a growing family is a challenge for anyone, and many just let their finances get out of control. Not the Ramoses. Cynthia Ramos, 35, and her family are savvy consumers.

They buy non-food items in bulk to pay for today’s lower prices. And they avoid the frequent trips to the grocery, which means more gas, more merienda on the side, and more effort. They always make a list and refrain from buying things not on it. For fresh food, they buy from the wet market, where it’s often fresher and cheaper than supermarkets.

When malls hold sales at 50%-70% off on children’s clothes and shoes, Cynthia buys 3 to 5 items for each of their two children, including items a size bigger for future use. She waits for major price reductions for shoes, bags, clothes and make-up. For house decors, they frequent Tiendesitas and Kanlaon, where they hunt for bargains and at the same time support cottage industries.

They’re role models for the environment too, as they recycle whatever they can. She says, “Our helper collects bottles of suka, patis, toyo, and newspapers and magazines. The proceeds go to our helper. You help someone and you also help the environment.” They also teach their children to conserve water, even employing that Barney song to remind them (“Oh, I never let the water run”). They save on electricity, thanks to their air-conditioner with timer and free fan. They cook for more than one meal and store leftovers in the freezer, since re-heating entails less time and uses less LPG. Cynthia sometimes arranges carpools with her neighbor or sister.

They often bring the kids to the movies, but they carry their kids’ snacks and drinks instead of buying exorbitantly priced popcorn and sodas at the cinema. They also avoid Timezone when they’re with the kids as it’s practically a money trap. Rather, they create fun games at home using existing toys and computer games, even using their own point system and giving out prizes.

They also time their vacations when low-cost packages are offered. “Try the Palakbayan packages of PAL for domestic vacations. Or try the Cebu Pacific seat sales,” she points out. And when she needs a little pampering, she gets a massage at home for just P200 to P250, half or a quarter of what it would cost going to a day spa. “You can even sleep longer,” notes Cynthia. “But be sure to pick one with a good reputation.”